"My husband desires a wife who is submissive....It's my duty to be the wife that my husband needs, wants and desires."
A couple of months back, a player from the Kansas Chiefs made a significant chunk of the internet lose its mind. Not Travis Kelce – ‘newly famous’ as the primary inspo for Taylor Swift’s next album – but team-mate Harrison Butker, the bountifully bearded and dedicated Catholic who decided to speak his mind at the Graduation of 485 students from Benedictine College in Kansas.
The twenty minute speech was mostly dedicated to rallying the faithful around classic religious conservatism (which let's be honest, given the very specific context was to be expected and mostly welcomed by those attending). Butker also touched on birth control, sexuality and perhaps most infamously, the role of women. Here's the bit that burnt the house down.
"How many of you are sitting here now about to cross this stage and are thinking about all the promotions and titles you are going to get in your career? Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.
I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.”
Predictably, segments of the internet went into a frenzy of outrage. I felt their pain. Butker was condemned as misogynistic with a side of homophobia; there was a petition to drop him as the Chief’s kicker.
Internet warriors on both sides engaged in a classic attack followed by a classic defense in which both camps said a lot, but arguably changed very little. As someone who is interested in different ways of bringing about change, as always this gave me pause for thought.
I was really struck by how shocked some of the online commentators were that such views still existed and had been given a platform. Surely we'd all worked hard to overcome such outdated and sexist ideas? Surely we’d all moved on? Who on earth still believed that the highest calling of a woman was to have her husband’s babies and put three square meals, along with a smile, on the table for him each day?
Google ‘trad wife’ and you’ll see exactly ‘who on earth’ still believes it. And while follower numbers on social media aren’t an exact science in terms of judging support for things, it’s fair to say the ‘trad wife’ movement is alive and well. Little wonder that for his particular audience, Butker sounded the perfect note.
Often fueled by conservative Christianity in the States, Trad(itional) Wives post to their social media followers about their daily routine washing dishes, making food, caring for children, dressing themselves modestly and waiting for their menfolk to come home from doing the hard yards at work. This excellent article unpacks the origins and evolution of the movement.
Personally, and this will come as no surprise, I’m not a fan. Depending on how these ideas are manifest, I think they represent a step backwards. My jaw dropped as I scrolled the social media accounts of the #tradwife influencers and more than a little freaked out, I kicked off a few texts to people with the New Yorker article attached. #Tradwife is trending.
And my own reaction made me wonder:
Zooming out, is there anything we can learn?
1. Just because I’m not seeing it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
Social media echo chambers have divided us so completely that it’s easy to subconsciously believe our own version of the world is the only one out there, which results in many of us getting bent completely out of shape when we’re made aware of different views. It’s not just the content that outrages us, but the shock of discovering the world isn’t quite as we thought. And this leads to aggressive, adversarial engagement with people who disagree with us.
Maybe it's useful to take a step back. Maybe we need the discipline to interrogate our own assumptions and cultivate a healthy scepticism toward our subconscious ideas about ‘where the world is at.’
Chatting with strangers, going out of our way to listen to people very different from ourselves, reading the media we normally avoid – these things reduce dangerous and limiting expectations about ‘what everyone believes’ and might provide a better platform for discussion than a visceral kneejerk reactions.
Maybe we can open the door to curiosity instead of judgement as the guide to our responses. In the case of #tradwives, there are whole communities and cultures where this approach is prevalent. It would be arrogance or naivety (both things I too often excel at) to assume that there aren’t instances where those who practise it believe it works perfectly well. And it would be close-minded not to consider the context and reasons why this is the case. A deeper dive may not change my mind, but it might at least give me pause for thought.
A deeper dive into the world beyond our mental doorstep is by no means only a negative journey. It can help unearth positives too – people working on wicked societal problems who come from perspectives different from our own, communities who function in interesting and life-giving ways that we might not stumble upon if we stay too close to ‘our own’. All of this might put us in a better head space to engage those things we might like to change.
2. Nothing about life is static.
New ideas or societal ‘fixes’ are never guaranteed. They require constant vigilance and ongoing maintenance in the face of contextual challenges. Likewise, few things truly die (exhibit A – the mullet. Or far right governments in Europe. Or... women serving up the nightly meal in deference to their menfolk.)
Throughout history, civilisations have weathered the storm of poor leadership choices, faced existential and environmental threats, stared down conflicts and divisions that have had the potential to annihilate us all. Somehow, life goes on, with change the only constant. It's not really that surprising to discover that ideas are cyclical and that there's not much truly new under the sun.
Humans, though, have a weird relationship to change, both fearing it and longing for it. Anyone who can’t sit still on a train for five minutes without picking up their phone, or who is constantly scanning the horizon for the next work or relationship opportunity, is testament to our insatiable desire for something that at least feels new. At the same time, many of us simply want to pick a tribe, nail our flag to a mast and stop thinking. Combined with the assumptions I’ve mentioned above, our paradoxical relationship to change can really limit our role as citizens and drives us further into our silos of misunderstanding.
Where does all this leave us in regard to #tradwife and a thousand other things we might happen to stumble upon that rock our boats?
The whole thing encourages me to think beyond my visceral reaction to things with which I disagree. It makes me consider checking my own assumptions, being a little more curious about the world and resisting immediate judgement. It spurs me to make the most of humanity's unrelenting appetite for change, but to think carefully about where I fit into how that change happens.
And sure, I may not be inspired by the move back to the “traditional values” that Butker espouses, but I’m heartened by the idea that if movement can be harnessed toward change in one direction, it can also be harnessed in another. If history teaches us anything it's that on the menu of life, humans have an appetite for all sorts of ideas, particularly if they're served in the right place at the right time. This makes me hopeful that there's plenty of positive transformation left in us humans yet :)
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