This is the deal with my head: my brain has a pain switch that’s constantly set to HIGH ALERT. No one knows why. It’s an electrical/chemical thing, a bit like the kind of malfunction you get with migraine and epilepsy. It’s 24/7. And it also travels – neck, back, arms.
It’s difficult.
But not as difficult as lots of other things in this life, on the whole. So moving on.
The upside is that I’ve taken off my clothes for more strangers than I ever imagined might be possible. (This is an upside? Sure it is!) We’re talking massage here.
Loud and proud: I am a lover of massage.
Good massage creates pain but it’s the beautiful kind – the kind that takes your mind off the dull, colourless and frankly boring pain that like a faithful hound, dogs your brain the rest of your daily existence. The difference between a good massage and a bad massage can make you weep.
Okay, so most of you only get massages on special occasions. Why is that? Too expensive? That thing about taking your clothes off? The pan-flute rendition of “Flashdance” that sounds a lot like the pan-flute rendition of “Memory” that morphs seamlessly into the pan-flute rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you”?
You need to get over the barriers. Massage is for everyone. A few tips:
1. Don’t wear odd socks. You can probably get away with undies with daggy elastic in the legs, because chances are you’re going to be covered with a towel at all times, but the socks will be noticed. Trust me.
2. Choose your menu with care for 24 hours beforehand. Mexican is out. It’s a small room. Nuff said.
3. Don’t plan important meetings/dates-with-people-you-hope-to-later-marry/photo shoots directly after the massage. You can’t lie face down while people apply pressure to your head without coming away a little touched-up looking. It’s gone in an hour but still.
4. If people walk up and down on your back – just go with it. Make sure they remove their high heels first.
5. If, on the other hand, you’re 22 and home alone with a young bloke who turns up to your massage looking a lot like a backpacker and he asks you to parade around wearing only your underwear so he can get a ‘feel for your posture’ – don’t go with that one. Unless he’s extremely cute, ask him to leave.
6. If you’re up to it, converse with the friendly Chinese masseurs while they’re working on you because you learn heaps and many of them really seem to enjoy practising their English.
7. Take care re-dressing after a post-work massage if you’re racing to get a train. Otherwise it looks a lot like an office affair and no matter how loudly you say to yourself “Oh GOSH I’ve put my shirt back on the wrong way after that MASSAGE!” people just smirk.
8. Too much oil is The Devil. The best masseurs can find your hideous spots and get rid of them through your clothes if they need to. Thai massages are usually oil-free and they’re the bomb! This is also handy if you don’t want to get your gear off although lots of Thai masseurs ask you to put on a very nifty pair of pyjama type-things which aside from being fashionable are very comfy.
9. Give feedback. Appreciative moaning and groaning might work well with your significant other but just sounds weird coming from the cubicle next door. Tell the masseur where you want them to work, how hard and what’s going well. I hate elbows. But I’m really crap at asking masseurs to lay off with their pointy bits. I just tend to hang onto the table and sweat while they END ME. (Good masseurs won’t use their elbows anyway. They do it when their hands are too tired to work anymore, I’m pretty sure.)
10. For you, the best time of day to get a massage is probably 5pm, but trust me your masseur will be wilting. They’ve been pounding the flesh all day and they just want to go home and hang out with fully clothed people for a while. So get a massage first up when everyone is fresh.
11. If you find a good masseur – get their name, get their number, buy them a drink! (Okay, just their name). Ask for them next time you visit. Or find a regular person to treat you who knows your dodgy bits.
12. Do I even need to say this? Don’t fall asleep on the massage table. It’s not just that you could drool or even that you’d be wasting money. It’d be a bit like sleeping through sex – you’re supposed to be appreciating the experience?
Right. So now you’re going out IMMEDIATELY to get yourself a massage, right? You’ll feel better, promise. The benefits are well documented and not even all that expensive. And if you’re lucky enough to have health cover, claimable. (On my cover- $18 for a 40 minute massage) Do massages do the trick for me in terms of pain relief? Not exactly. At least, not for long. But to a pan-flute soundtrack, they’re a damn good distraction!
*What? You thought I was going to write about how to get a massage from your LOVER? Oh. Well sure. I can do that. Tune in next time.
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