365 consecutive days of sex: “The Bonkathon”.
It was the most commented-on article last weekend in the Sydney Morning Herald and explored the effects of a decision made by a US couple to do it every day, rain, hail or shine.
So how does that strike you as a way to spend a year? Sex, I was told quite a long time ago, is like oxygen: really no big deal unless you’re not getting any (?) Possibly the reverse is also true. Rain, hail or shine? Absolutely every day for a year? The SMH article detailed two couples, actually- one that went after it for 101 days, the other the full year. Both talked about the benefits: increased intimacy, less pressure to perform, confidence that they were taking the time they needed for one another. No muscle strains or complaints from neighbours were mentioned. I reckon the interviewer was too polite to ask.
Aside from those of you who are blissful newly-weds or happily-putting-it-out-there-singles (stop smirking, you know who you are) at some point in every developed relationship the issue of sex rears its ugly head (gosh… no pun intended there.) And at various points of the life journey- small people arriving, career taking off, mother-in-law in the bedroom next door- sex is one of those things, like vacuuming your cornices, that sometimes just doesn’t get done. Lack of interest? Lack of love? Lack of physical prowess? Maybe…
It wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility to suggest that around the same time as the sex thing comes up you might also hear complaints about a lack of spontaneity in other areas: no time to go out for dinner together, you never tell me I look hot in that dress, not enough flowers coming home along with the empty lunchbox…
Thoughtfulness is under attack.
Call me unromantic, but is it possible there’s a case to be made for planned ‘thoughtfulness’? In a busy world, if it’s not planned, it tends not to get done. Maybe there are a few geniuses out there who can juggle life and have enough left over to genuinely, on the spur of the moment, think of a card of appreciation for a stressed spouse; a little gift for a child who’s done well; the right ingredients for a surprise romantic Tuesday night dinner after the children are in bed… Well hats off to us! OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS ARE THE LUCKIEST IN THE WORLD!
For the rest of you, there’s iCalendar!
(Yeah all right… most of the time I’m not in the category above, I’m in this one and I’m not very good at that either.) Why do people assume that planning things in advance makes them somehow less valuable? Is there anything less genuine about asking yourself at the start of the month: where are the opportunities to spend time with my children, my significant other, my friends or people who might need a bit of a cheering-up moment? Is there really anything less genuine about planning four times a year, at random moments, to ‘spontaneously’ bring your spouse home a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers and sticking a reminder in your iphone so you don’t forget?
And is it possible to plan your intimate moments as well? Maybe not going so far as marking SEX in red texta on your fridge calendar next to the kids soccer game, or even sticking it into your (possibly shared with work mates via The Cloud) iCalendar, but at least monitoring and planning the situation a bit more rigorously? Does the fact that it’s ‘less spontaneous’ make it less genuine and therefore less worthy?
Well, not according to our once a day Bonk-Meisters. “Routine” actually made the whole process more intimate and pleasurable, according to the sexperts. Kind of makes sense, if you think about it.
a) Planning for something makes sure it gets done, and call me crazy, but in a relationship it seems like there are lots of good reasons to ‘get sex done’ on a fairly regular basis. Leave it up to chance, leave it up to feelings and good will, leave it up to all the stars being aligned… little risky long term, don’t you think?
b) Our habits are what form our characters. Assuming that both people actually do enjoy a sexual relationship in the first place, it’s reasonable to imagine they’d want the character of that sexual relationship to grow and mature and develop with time. In fact, the reverse often seems to happen. Sure, it sounds boring to say that sex is ‘a habit’. But like making a habit of only speaking well of people- something that soon becomes part of your character- making a habit of prioritising and planning for intimacy probably also becomes a natural part of the character of a relationship too.
c) Feelings often follow actions. How many times have you forced yourself to go for a run and felt better afterwards? Been nice to a random stranger in spite of not feeling particularly cheerful and felt yourself uplifted by the experience? It’s probably not that helpful only to act when we feel emotions compelling us to do so. Emotions can be a bit unreliable. Starting down the path often opens up the view to us halfway. (Of course there are provisos on all that along the lines of ‘don’t be deceptive’, but hopefully we’re all big enough to figure that stuff out as well.)
Nothing new here really- stressed out couples with small children gallantly isolate “Date Night” every couple of months and round up the babysitter, for example. It doesn’t have to be as grand as a whole night out though and it probably doesn’t even have to be mutually agreed upon. A little bit of “Secret Planned Spontaneous Thoughtfulness” of any kind is hopefully always going to be appreciated, even if it doesn’t always end quite the way you’ve imagined… It’s the journey, not the destination that matters, right? Even just putting it on the radar is probably going to be useful! Our habits become our characters and to habitually plan for thoughtfulness in every area of our relationships? Can’t go wrong, I reckon.
Right, well, that’s my thought for the weekend. And because this is such a dodgy topic to blog on, and now you’re all wondering about my sex life, My Significant Other would like you to know that this is a scholarly article, based entirely on professional focus groups and not only does he ALWAYS bring great gifts, he’s also… okay, I think we’ll leave it there. And if you find his iphone can you return it immediately.
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