Will power. Exceptionally unappealing in the two-year-old who has her shoe in your face and refuses to leave the carseat, but pretty damn admirable in just about every other situation.
Most of us define will power as determination, stamina, drive or stubbornness (as in the case of your two year old). Psychologists have a couple of extra ideas to throw into the mix – they say people with strong will power exercise self control, run on cooler ‘cognitive’ behavioural systems rather than hot ‘emotional ‘systems, can delay gratification and over-ride unwanted thoughts or emotions.
Here’s what they’ve found about kids who have will power/self control:
It’s more likely to lead to academic success than their IQ (whoah…)
They’re less likely to suffer from mental illness
They’re more successful in relationships
They have lower rates of substance abuse and binge eating
They go on to have greater financial security, look terrific in skinny jeans, take amazing lovers and usher in world peace.
Okay. So will power is good, which anyone who ever did that Six Week Body Transformation thing without looking sideways at an éclair will tell you. No surprises here.
But here’s the most interesting thing you probably didn’t know:
Will power is a limited resource and right after exercising it you’re more vulnerable to outbreaks of hideous sloth and indulgence (!!!)
Yep, that’s right. Researchers conducted experiments on people to see how they reacted after being repeatedly asked to exercise will power (holding their hands in ice water, resisting sweet treats etc) and then watched to see how they performed later. They found that participants had less and less control as time went on and made poorer decisions.
Will power, it seems, is similar to a muscle in that it gets both fatigued and builds up the more you use it. Like a muscle, using will power can be exhausting. Exposure to sudden or prolonged exercises in will power leave us depleted and unable to properly utilise our self control.
On the upside, consistent small exercises of will power lead to the development of habits – those internalised, automatic kind of behaviours that you don’t have to think about and that don’t take up much energy (like checking Facebook).
What impact does this have on that thing you haven’t done?
Most people tackle too many things at once, psychologists reckon, which is a recipe for disaster. Typical scenario: you’ve got 12 weeks until the big day (insert your own event) and you need to fit the dress/lycra suit/image of the man of someone’s dreams. Everything’s gotta go – to be replaced with a high protein/low food diet – and in addition you’ll be hitting the gym nine days a week. At the same time, you’re using your will power on every other desire that distracts you in life – overcoming thoughts and emotions, not saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment, staying on track at work. Researchers reckon we utilise our will power many hours of every day, not simply when we’re tempted to ‘do something wrong.’
By Day Four it’s no surprise you’re back in front of the TV in your trackies eating icecream out of a tub with your hands.
Will power is depleted when it’s used, so resisting everything under the sun for several days in a row leaves you vulnerable to failure. On the other hand, small exercises of will power, with modest, specific goals and small wins, build up your muscle. And those behaviours soon become habit. It’s the absolutely rock solid reason why ‘binge dieting’ fails and small modifications over the long haul win every time.
One step at a time. Celebrate the small wins. Grow your strength.
What else can be done to improve will power other than not setting yourself up for depressing failure?
Sleep, exercise and meditation are all winners. How aware we are, how we feel and what decisions we make all happen in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain – all vital elements of will power. Meditation, apparently, floods this area of the brain with oxygen and blood, putting it in peak condition to understand how we’re feeling and thinking, resist temptation and make good choices. After only eleven hours of meditation, there are observable differences in the brain that show new neural connections being made. Nifty, hey?
The same can be said for adequate sleep and exercise: both promote the kind of mental and physical energy that contribute to our ability to exercise self control. Which is of course boring, and I know you skipped that bit because you were hoping for something more interesting and practical, yet no less true for that.
We were gifted with a slightly wild, stubborn and emotional child early in life, prone to outbreaks of “my world is ending and you’re ending with it!” Perplexed by this whirlwind intrusion, we counselled and cajoled, counted and breathed, took time outs (it was very peaceful for us) stayed rock solid on the consequences of behaviour, tried to practise what we were preaching and kept the spirits on ice. And we kept our fingers crossed.
Now eight, the fiery one is ridiculously self disciplined. (Did we crush her, I sometimes wonder?) The heat still sometimes flares, but it’s quickly moderated. And we’re all pretty relieved. (Skinny jeans and world peace for that one).
But here’s the thing. It might easily not have worked out that way. Or at least, we might all still be learning. There are surely lots of other areas where we’re still knocking our heads against a brick wall in life! And that’s where I think will power is interesting. There are lots of things that work against it. Often we’re incredibly hard on ourselves when we don’t live up to our own expectations.
Understanding what’s going on for ourselves psychologically and taking small achievable steps for the small wins instead of just determining we MUST TRY BIGGER AND HARDER seems a good way to move forward. At least that way we’re not fighting our own biology along with everything else.
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